There are no hosannas in being single, however it is even more unmanageable when you have never experienced being in a relationship and you suddenly realise that you are in your late twenties. How is it possible that after twenty to thirty years of life one has not experienced the universal practice of being with someone?
Events such as a first kiss, or holding someone’s hand that you like, are usually occurrences that you experience as a teenager. So what happened, how can you have missed these moments, was there no opportunity in your teens, or was it because nobody showed an interest? This may be construed as ridiculous by someone that has been ‘blessed’ with being in a number of relationships and being in love. They may not understand the moments of a lifelong singleton, someone that has always lived a singular life and has never shared the joys of love.
What if you are that person; you have never been introduced as someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend, never experienced the joyous moment of introducing your other half to the world. With every invitation to parties and events comes the inner feeling of desperate guilt at having to attend alone, while witnessing friends pairing off and becoming a ‘we’.
However, this is a secret that is held by many, not even closest friends know that he or she have never experienced certain intimacies. How will they understand the shame that this life-altering piece of information will bring upon one’s self standing? The threat of being judged or pitied is not something that anyone can stomach. One would rather live under a veil of ambiguity and remain an enigma to friends, always dithering on the ledge, never fully explaining reasons for being single, not that this is even fully understood by the individual themselves.
The main question one asks on a regular basis is, why me? What is so wrong with me that I never qualified to participate in the world of relationships? Having always been active participants in other areas of life, the major obstacle felt by most secret singletons was experiencing not being in control. Many of these secret singletons have always been labelled as ‘the good friend’ that could be relied upon, never viewed as being a contender to be anybody’s girlfriend or boyfriend.
Female secret singletons reported the occurrences of relationship discussions with girlfriends as being especially difficult experiences:
“The moments that are the hardest are the ones whereby many female friends share their relationship problems, and offer each other advice from their past experiences. There you are sitting there in a trance thinking what do I do, I have nothing to bring to the table, I can’t offer effective advice, but somehow my mouth opens, and I respond and participate in an area as unfamiliar as the love of handbags, would be to men. My girlfriends are sitting nodding in agreement as if I am delivering a profound sermon that will effectively sort out their relationship quandaries. I feel like as if I am giving a gambling addict a tip to a big win, when it is possibly a route to failure”.
Friends of secret singletons view them as advice givers - they are fundamentally unaware of their lack of experience – they have stood by as a patient advice giver for so long, so they must know. Yet friendships carry such importance to the singleton because they are effectively alone. This is a group that does not stand for being regarded as someone that is simply a sad unfortunate case. They are far more perplexed with the idea of being single forever, that this will be their destiny.
Secret singletons mainly derive from a family whereby all members have experienced the process of being in a relationship. Their siblings have loved and lost, and are the only people aware of their unique inexperience. They are believers of time being a healer and a solution to the missing component in their lives. They have witnessed weddings and children entering the family and are increasingly baffled about the rationale behind these experiences that they are not ‘worthy’ of.
To many, these thoughts regarding ‘secret singletons’ might be seen as being a pitying memoir of this niche group. But they are not. These individuals are fully committed to assembling their lives and to being happy. This notion is central to their existence and while it may not contain all the required building blocks to a fulfilled existence and while they may have not been on a first date, or enjoyed intimacy, are these factors alone critical to a happy subsistence?